


Can't just leave me to bleed

by vierasfics



Category: Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Anger, Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, God Complex, Heavy Angst, I don't know how to tag this, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Manic Episode, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Violent Thoughts, i mean obviously jd has a god complex no shit sherlock, the whole thing it's just JD freaking out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 10:14:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20526344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vierasfics/pseuds/vierasfics
Summary: Veronica breaks up with JD and he's not taking it very well.





	Can't just leave me to bleed

**Author's Note:**

> i know this is short af and like pointless but idk man i relate in a weird way to this homicidal angsty teen

Somehow, he held it together until Veronica was out the door.

His father was still over in the kitchen, and he faintly heard him yell at him, but he couldn’t make out the words. There was a buzzing on his ears that seemed to be getting louder each second.

_You promised me._

And he did, he _did. _He held his arms around himself tightly and told himself to take a few deep breaths. It wasn’t his fault (it’s all your fault), he thought, he was just trying to help (you destroy everything you touch), there was no way Veronica could let bad things keep happening. But God, he must’ve sounded so mad (psycho), saying Veronica should’ve let Heather die, changing his mind when she said she was her friend-

“By the way, dad, my girlfriend says bye!”

He almost flinched at the sudden voice behind him. “Right,” he muttered. His tone wasn’t as flat-lined as it usually was (you’re so pathetic.) Panic flared up inside him. It used to be so easy, to shut everything out and not _feel. _“A pity she couldn’t stay, son.”

He didn’t hear whatever was said in response, instead he ran to his room and locked himself in and tried to keep breathing. (You should just die.) Every inhale seemed to take an enormous amount of force, and he was staring to get lightheaded.

(Die. Die. Die.)

He raised a fist and slammed it against the wall. His dad would probably yell at him, but he couldn’t hear anything but the buzz and the thoughts, the- voice, that kept repeating over and over-

“Shut up!” he shouted, his voice muffled by how close he was leaning on the door. He felt his own panting against his skin. He couldn’t breathe.

He moved his hand over to his face. It was wet, so he turned to see and noticed there was blood on his knuckles. He let out a humorless laugh. It seemed he could never stop hurting himself. It wasn’t enough, though, it was merely a small sting in comparison to the crushing sensation around his chest. He didn’t remember the last time he’d felt like- No, he did, the last time he’d felt this pain was when he’d heard that building explode, the image of his mother happily waving repeating on loop over the sound, the sound of the collapse, of everything falling apart around him. She’d left him, Veronica had left, left him just like-

He felt his knees buckle, and suddenly he was just a ball on the floor and he was crying and he couldn’t breathe. Why would she do that? (She didn’t love you.) What had he’d done wrong? (Everything.) Why, why, why? He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t bear this. He just wanted it to stop, he wanted to shove the pain back in and be _numb _and happy again but he _couldn’t _and- She’d said he _wasn’t _numb, that he was beautiful, she’d said- Had she lied?

Ironic. She’d believed him about the Ich Lüge bullets and he’d believed her about her love. They were both fooling themselves, they were both hoping- wanting- She’d _pay. _He’d make her pay. His fingers closed around the gun he had on his back. Already there were ideas forming in his head, of slain wrists over a bathtub, of her body laying from a rope. He felt a sick, twisted sense of satisfaction, but there was also a strike of pain on his chest. Even her, even she was just like everyone else, she’d used him, he’d trusted her and she’d just stabbed him like those liars and _assholes-_

No, she couldn’t have lied, because if she had- if she had he’d be- (alone)- Even if he killed her, even if- What then? What would he have left? Just pain and pain and pain and he punched the wall but it wasn’t working, he still couldn’t breathe, he still couldn’t cope. No, no, she couldn’t have lied, she was just upset, it must’ve been too much for her, everything that had happened- She didn’t mean to do that to him, she- she loved him, she loved him just like he loved her.

_You don’t love me, JD._

He’d prove it. He hadn’t done enough. It’d never been enough. Heather McNamara wouldn’t be enough. Heather Duke wouldn’t be enough. But- if _everyone, _if the whole school would just _die, _then Veronica would be fine, she’d be okay and she’d come back to him. He could save her. He had to save her (and the assholes would _pay in blood_, he'd tear them all apart, he'd strike all of them down and fix all the horrible things in the world) because without her there was no other reason, without her he would move to another school and- and then what?

He closed his hands around his hair and pulled as hard as he could, but he couldn’t feel it, all he could feel was the burning on his chest and the feeling of panic, of not enough air on his lungs. It used to work so well but now he was _ruined, _his heart was bare and bleeding on the floor and he was alone and Veronica- he needed-

(Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.)

He pulled the gun unto his lap and stared at it and thought he couldn’t kill an entire school with a gun.

Then he heard his father’s voice coming from outside, and his mind went quiet.

A bomb.

**Author's Note:**

> this is honestly just because i saw forrest's jd in meant to be yours (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfU6ozCnfqY) and i needed to??? write something?? i wanted it to like reflect how in the song jd seems to be struggling between like ten different conflicting ideas and feelings (his self hatred and hopelessness vs his anger at veronica for leaving him vs his abandonment issues and loneliness and obsession with control so that he can get her back and "save" her vs his god complex)


End file.
